If You Have Ever Had Suicidal Thoughts, Please Read This
I want to share on a pretty tough and vulnerable topic for me and many others. I want to talk about suicidal thoughts. Please do not bash me, judge me or call 911. I am sharing my experience, my habits and my walking out to health.
For years I had developed a habit of considering suicide. It started when I was a child, feeling overwhelmed and powerless in my family situation. When I say that, I will tell you that I have heard stories that were so much worse than mine; but for whatever reason in those moments I felt helpless, alone, powerless and like there was no end.
I never really knew how I would commit suicide, but I just wanted to “go away” and to no longer be bothered with the circumstances or frustrations in my world. Those feelings were fleeting at first, but they were constantly there when things would go wrong or become frustrating. Then my brain felt like it just took over and played those suicidal thoughts on repeat.
In AA circles, I have been accused of sitting on the proverbial “pity pot” which was exemplified by the pink toilet seat that hung on the clubhouse wall. But none the less it stayed with me for years.
Something needed to change deep inside me. But how? God found a way.
In 2008 I met a lady at a convention in Dallas who had written a book about her own journey with suicidal thoughts. And to summarize her book she said something very profound: “Take it off the table.”
Wait a second. It is really that simple?
Yes, for me, it was really that simple at the time. Like she advised, I simply decided to just take it off the table. I wrote down the date. Thereafter, when the thought of suicide would come, I would remind my mind that I had made a decision in October 2008 to no longer consider suicide as an option.
My brain was like, what…?
When you try to give up a thought, your brain doesn’t want to let you. It almost talks to you. “But we have played with this thought for years!” So you just have to keep telling your brain that it’s off the table. Actively retraining your brain by repeating the phrase over and over. Honestly, it was that simple.
That worked beautifully, when things were good. It worked until my marriage, finances, and about everything else in my life fell apart in April of 2012. My husband walked out suddenly leaving me holding the bag losing my home, my car, rental properties, my credit, to face bankers, creditors, attorneys, tenants, my family and friends alone and I became unemployable under the pressure.
The suicidal thoughts returned stronger than ever. I had to fight my way out. I kept reminding my brain that it had other options and we would find a solution. I know it is weird to talk to yourself in third person, but I began to look at the suicidal thoughts as a spirit, something separate from me that wanted to kill me — just like the Bible references Satan has come to kill, steal and destroy.
And that’s what suicidal thoughts are. They aren’t YOU. They are separate from you.
The reality was, I needed whatever part of me, or spirit that was on me, that felt totally helpless without resources, to know I had the ability to pull out even when I didn’t see it yet. I cried out to God, reminding Him that He was a good God, that I served a good God. That He was the lifter of my head. That my fresh hope came daily in Him. I reminded Him that I chose life, I chose to live.
And once again, the spirit and power of suicidal thoughts broke off of me.
As I sit here writing this, I have probably consoled a dozen people in the last few months over loved one’s suicides. It is so devastating. Out of that pain, I just wanted to share my own battle. I wanted to share what I did to fight. I wanted to share my hope. I will remind you that this is a vulnerable spot. I can assure the people who know me have no idea that such a thought would ever cross my mind. I am like many others — I look like I have it all together and that I am tough, but the truth is my heart is pretty tender and fragile at times.
If you are going through such a battle, please do not fight alone, it is unnecessary. Please reach out to people for prayer, for counsel, for care. Here is the number to National Suicide Prevention Hot Line: 1 (800) 273-8255. Please do not take suicidal thoughts lightly, do not let them fester or get a strong hold. Talk back. Fight back. Take it off the table to give your brain a rest and see what other options it comes up with.
Remind your spirit who you are in the Kingdom of God. These are the words I spoke out loud with authority back to God. I use Tapping/EFT to turn down the volume on my physical body in order to help myself settle.
In this instance I just tapped through the points in a rotating manner: Center of forehead, eyebrows, side of eyes, under eyes, under nose, bend of chin, collar bone, under arm, top of head. Here is a video that explains a little more about the process, if you are not familiar with it.
Tapping through the points…
I choose life, I choose to live, I choose life, I choose to live, I choose life, I choose to live. I am the daughter of the King, He is the lifter of my head, I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind, everything that has been taken will be restored, God restores what the locust have eaten, the joy of the Lord is my strength, I am the head and not the tail, I am above and not beneath, I am the salt and the light of the earth. I serve a good God, I choose life.
I would say these out loud, over and over until it shifted. I walked this out one day at a time, knowing, believing that it would shift.
Again, if you have developed the habit of considering suicide, know that those thoughts can be reprogrammed. Your thoughts are not you, they are not permanent, you can reprogram yourself.
And know that you are loved!
I hope this helps you move forward…
Be Blessed, Tammy
Disclaimer, this information does not replace your responsibility to seek medical attention or counseling. This information is my own experience and you are expected to use it wisely, but to get the help you need for your own well-being. Again, the number to National Suicide Prevention Hot Line: 1 (800) 273-8255.
Tammy Marshall is a Stress Expert and Emotional Eating Specialist. She brings 20+ years experience working in the field of addiction blending a host of practices for change. She is an EFT and Matrix ReImprinting Practitioner, Certified Life Breakthrough Coach™, Relapse Prevention Specialist™ and Biblical Counselor™ . She utilizes her training in Theophostic Prayer , SOZO and Freedom In Christ, to create permanent change in her clients. If you are willing to change, she provides the tools and techniques to make you able. Her specialty is empowering her clients to eliminate the anxiety, fear and insecurity driving them to cope (over eat, over spend, drink, drug, panic, you get the picture….)